Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

😂😂😂

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”