Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
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Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Lol
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.