Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.