Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
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Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Lmao 😁
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
That’s amazing.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.