Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
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Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Plant care tips
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
he’s doing your taxes
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?