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Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.