i can’t wait that long
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If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]