Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same