me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
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Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you