Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

seems fine

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.