Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
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At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
“OMGJK” -atheists
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”