Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Beware of the dog..

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.