life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
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If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Be vigilant
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.