Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

🤣

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again