Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
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If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date