Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

Deer are just ballerina dogs

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.