Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

he’s sick of your bullshit today

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail