me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
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I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house