5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
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“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.