Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.