One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
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If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Your honor these allegations are
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?