Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

Orange cat behavior 😂

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

Your secret is safeish with me

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”

1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

me hooking up with my ex

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table