Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

my dad has had enough

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

Who does Amazon think I am?

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

so i’m at the stock market right

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.