My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.