Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
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A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
i smell a pulitzer
Finally, an explanation.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I went from rags to one rag.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way