Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
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one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!