They did not miss in the small print
You Might Also Like
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.