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Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.