Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
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In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
welp
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
cat vs inanimate object
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*