Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

Yup.

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.