At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
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Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
me refusing to leave twitter
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink