I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
hackers play passwordle
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
$4 #usedbooks
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
