Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
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Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
i meant to share this earlier
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off