Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

ㅤ

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”