911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
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You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
Wikigenius
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”