Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
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The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.