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“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Schrödinger’s cookie
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
reminder
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*