Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
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Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
