hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
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I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I’m sorry…what?
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.