Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
my astrological sign is a french fry
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.