Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
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Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
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I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS