Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
You Might Also Like
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
for all #parents out there
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample