Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Me too, bag. Me too….

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise