Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.