if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
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if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun