Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
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GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.