did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
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Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Saw this yesterday lol
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
bros in the example zone 😭
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY