if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
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Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR