Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food