Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.